Gotta get something off my chest. Truth be told, I am not a writer. Not in the sensible altruistic “I’ve lived and dreamed to write” inspired by all around me longing to turn it into words on a page writer. But, I do love to write and the craft of writing is my creative well.
2020 was a wham bam thank you mam hell of a ride. What a melting pot it was for all of us! Cringe worthy, cry and scream until you shake, boom I never saw that coming, up-side down rollercoaster of plain old… fun.
I write this to you sitting in my hotel room, in the midst of a divorce, in the turn of my career to soon be visiting patients at home during a pandemic. I am truly honored to call myself a nurse but it’s a title I have always shaken a little to pronounce, both while I was training to become one (like “is this really happening, will I ever be equipped to handle this” I would often think to myself) and now during, ESPECIALLY, during a time when the WORLD is handling a crisis like we’ve never seen. To which, I am still questioning my abilities to truly be able to handle whatever curve balls are coming my way. Eek! Being a nurse means SO much to so many different people. The thing I really struggle with is the look people will give me after I’ve told them I am one. That doe eyed long lasting gaze, that makes me feel like they think I have answers to questions they’ve held so intimately but it’s on the tip of their tongues to blurt out and ask (which actually, most people do, and that’s super fun haha) despite knowing me or not. It’s terrifying but also one of the biggest perks of becoming one.
Working on a transplant floor for close to 5 years I saw people in their rawest forms. The only word I can describe my time serving those heroic humans is beautiful. Both staff and patients, to show up every single day and TRY. It’s actually one of the reasons I am deciding to jump back in. To be able to look into another human beings eyes, walk through their suffering, joy, triumphs and victories with them and be able to hold their hand while they poop. The human experience will bring you to your knees, if you let it. And in 2021 I’ve decided it’s time to let mine get a little more scuffed than they have been, sitting in a chair doing medical coding. I’ve seen what’s behind the curtain and I’m here to say that no matter which part of healthcare I’ve been apart of, you won’t get through it unless there is an insane amount of grit in your core, driving your ability to help and help and help some more until it’s time to tap out and get some gaddam lunch or a snack.
If you came to this post looking for insight on the latest trend, I’m sorry but my only words today are old fashioned. If you’re out there working hard, don’t stop. If you’re running away from the hard work though because you’re looking for only the feel good fluffy stuff, here’s the secret, WRONG MOVE BRO. Joy is the color of that farty old brown looking stuff you get when you mix all of the gorgeous spectrum together. Shake it up. Mix it up! I’m throwing a different kind of work party in 2021, I’ve got my paint brushes and syringes ready for you girl! Ready to get down and dirty and guess what, YOU’RE INVITED!!!!!!!!!
I love you all so much ❤ thank you always, for jumping into my brain!!!!!! ❤